It makes me cry

She loves me.  She says I am "the daughter of her heart". We both think it's cool that I have her curly hair,  and her smile.  We laugh when people who should know better,  refer to her as my mom.  We are repeatedly amazed by how we can color coordinate our outfits without talking about it,  living 30 miles apart. Most of all, I am amazed that she loves me as much as she does and I know I can trust that love,  and I can trust anything she says to come purely from that care for me.  I can't comprehend it.  Understanding it is beyond my ability.   But I know it is truth.

Somehow tonight we got on the topic of my self image.  I confessed to her my reality.  I know my lack of accepting whether or not I am pretty goes back a long way.  

I was never told that I was pretty as a child (not that I can remember, anyway). In junior high,  I was convinced by my peers that the only reason my mother and grandmother said they loved me was because they had to because they were my only family and had to (I am sure this is the main reason I can't understand why anyone would love me by choice and keep loving me even when I do things that disappoint or upset them). I was convinced I was too ugly and disgusting to be worthy of anyone. "Low-Life Lola","Low-Life-Scum-In-The-Ground", or "Scum-La", that's me!  Those were my titles in junior high.  It is amazing how deep those lies have penetrated,  even though I desperately tried to not believe them then (30 years ago...) 

But those as my root of self image,  are still there,  haunting me,  causing me to laugh at anyone who dares to suggest I am pretty,  or (crazier still) beautiful. I  try to graciously accept the compliment,  especially if it comes from my children or a trusted friend,  but believing it?  Not so much. 

But then tonight's conversation.  Like I  said,  I don't know how we got on the topic,  but I told her it's the hardest thing for me to believe.  I told her another friend told me a couple years ago that I was "very pretty", that I might be able to almost believe "pretty", but beautiful?  No.  Not even conceivable.  She interrupted me.  And said "I have ALWAYS thought you were beautiful.  Your eyes,  your chin,  your hair,  your eyebrows...  Maybe I have never told you so.  But you are very beautiful." (making me cry again,  just remembering her words). 

I don't know what to do with her words. 

She doesn't lie to me. And I told her so.  She said "Right.  And why would I say it if I didn't mean it."

Exactly. 

But I don't see it.  My head denies it.  My heart wishes it was true. My heart wants to accept it,  because of the source. But all I can do is cry. 

Then I get a Facebook message from another friend,  a forward declaring the reader to be a beautiful woman.  Yeah,  I started crying again... 

Is there a message I am supposed to be getting?  Am I supposed to believe I am actually beautiful?  Smart? Strong? Courageous? Worthy of being loved? Respected? 

I don't know how. 

I am a mess. I believe the bullies from my childhood:  I'm filth,  ugly,  weak,  worthless,  unlovable,  undeserving of anything from anyone... 

But God. 

He can help my unbelief.  

Pray.  Pray that I can accept the truth.  Overcome the lies.  And be comfortable with who I am. And confident that people who claim they think I am beautiful are not just saying it to make me feel good,  but that they say it because they mean it. 

I don't mean to be vain,  stuck on physical beauty.  Because it's not even about being beautiful,  it's about being loved.  About trusting.  About knowing its safe to believe the compliment because the one saying it is not trying to manipulate by flattery.  It's about knowing and recognizing truth. 

I am confident and sure in so much truth,  but this one thing I doubt...